reaching

the grass is greener where you water it. 

This week has me feeling out of step with the universe, trying to fall back into sync with old rhythms. But that's part of life, and part of learning to dance. Just need to reach a little harder, right? 

Breathe in, and reach. I accept that this is a slow progression of expanding oneself. In agility I have learned this well, that patience and clarity yield results. It is a vulnerable state to sink into one's mind for every run, it is a commitment to true effort every step of the way. This also leaves us open to true failure, of simply not being good enough at that moment. This happens, mistakes happen. We all know how to take the lesson out of a mistake, as challenging as that may be sometimes. It could be considered a silver lining, but rather I see mistakes as a treasure. I have not found a way to fix a flaw I do not know exists. That is why I have learned to be comfortable putting out our best effort every run with the understanding that it will not always reach the results I intended. 

If I am being honest in this dissection of myself it is important for the world to know that my first world championships had me ready to hurl, left completely unnerved in our abilities as a team. Whim and I managed each run. I say this to mean that we were not connected, it was the efforts of two distant entities chipping away at the same task in some incoherent fashion. We could not understand each other, and here I learned that I was not yet part of a team with my dog. It took every shred of mental effort, every application of my mental management practices to survive that weekend. I left with not only a gold medal thanks to my incredible medium teammates, but a mission to turn Whimzy and I into a cohesive unit. I was done battling my dog around the course always at odds with her decisions. I wanted to communicate in the same tongue. Two years down the road, just after our second worlds, our connection is now sharp and my nerves are hard. Stepping to the line I do not think twice about the possible faults, because I know without a doubt we can get the job done. We are just up for our turn to dance, our turn to sink into the rhythm, the moment, into each other. We now know each other, the way we move and speak is in balance with the other. This was a slow progression of expanding our skills and understanding of both our bodies. This is the result of pure mileage, you cannot hurry the hours or the process. Nor should you. This is a journey, not as a team, but to become one. 

Don't rush, I say it all the time. Mostly to my students, but to myself now more than ever. Learning to take the time that is necessary will make you the most effective handler for your dog. This is a balancing act particular to each team. I can tell you when, I can tell you where, I can tell you how late that cue was. But timing is not a shareable knowledge. We must reach a little deeper every opportunity we have to fine tune that connection. That is agility, one aspect of life these lessons apply to. I have spent my life so passionate about and completely devoted to this sport. In the last year the world has expanded in front of me and I feel honored to delve into so much at once. We have the choice to have a passion or not,  or two, or three. We also have the choice to simply be passionate about all the aspects of all the life things. Agility has offered much that can transcend into other places of my life, and I am grateful to have brought lessons back to agility as well.  I am learning that passion for all things as a collective goal of improvement, to sink into it and to be able to reach a little harder. I am finding that there is a great benefit to encompassing your goals with one another. 

The Healthiest of Habits

Nothing in nature blooms all year, be patient with yourself.

I am becoming reacquainted with my own skin, sinking into it further than I knew I could. It is difficult to become vulnerable when this life requires so much strength. Hardened walls block out pain, but also light. And I need the sun. It is foolish of myself to refuse nutrients when they are readily available. Yet, those walls go up despite the sun's warmth beating against them day in, day out. The mind is mighty in this way, growing rigid in its thoughts to protect our softer sides. But an open mind is required to dream at full capacity. I would be an even bigger fool to think myself the exception to this universal truth. I have the ability to push the confines of my mind, for true strength lies in the courage to accept risk. 

..you are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.

There is no better way for me to defy my limits than to set my sights far beyond reality. To expose one's underbelly to the ground below offers a great risk and a greater reward.

I would be lost without goals. There nature is to grow into one another, to overlap in a fate woven fashion. Like a living being, goals demand care to flourish. In turn this commitment has become an unspoken vow to better the health of my own being. I expand myself with each step towards a goal. Growth such as this pulls in all life and spews back the mind's inner light, which shines far brighter than the sun. This is the  positivity that a brain creates as a byproduct of taking care of the self. I want my soul to ripple out this way, to have a heart that can bring vibrations of change to its environment. I can feel how desperately I need to grow just to live.  

Agility is now but one part of my life, although it still fills me up with lessons to chew on for days. I'm at a slight loss for words on how to describe the evolution of Whim and I as a team. I am only able to say that our connection flows like water. She is as much a part of me than ever, on and off the course. Our souls have intertwined in a way that sends pride and bewilderment through my being, I am so blessed to have a dog like her. As I grow closer to her, I am expanding to the outer edges of my abilities on other paths. I have found that to truly develop myself I am responsible for incorporating all aspects of life into the dreams I seek to create. 

Only the beginning

There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world- you realize that there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.

I am my own hero. This is my story after all. You'd be a fool to think I'll ever again let myself fall damsel to the distress, I will have none of that. I want to fight with crashing blows. Let's see those sparks fly, feel the weight of the blade in my hand ready to strike again. Send a dragon my way, I'll hop on and gladly fly into battle. I once considered ducking for cover, but to give up now? Failure isn't an option. I want the risk, the thrill, I want to not know if I'll come out alive. These are my battles, my struggles to overcome. Don't expect me to tuck my tail at the peak of war, I will push back for the story must go on.

This tale isn't just a battle though, there are whole chapters devoted to learning and travelling into the unknown, to surviving. This life is one of adventure. You know how I know that? Because this is my story. Not only about me, but by me. I put the pen to the paper, I choose the words, the characters, the plot. I simply cannot put it down, we must always write on. The only thing I can't control are the reviews, and it's cute that you think I'd even give those the time of day.

Ruining someone else's story won't make yours read any better - I have decided this, even the villains creeping through my pages will never know the need to fear me. I am my own hero, and I will not use such darkness. You may wound me, but I will heal. There will be some dark that leaks into me though, like when you hold your pen down to the paper too long and an ugly blotch seeps out. But if I turn enough pages I will find myself trekking though a distant land far away from that ink blot. The sound of thundering hooves will hum in my ears as we fly across the land, ahead the mountains hide their peaks in the highest of clouds. I have always wanted to climb a cloud you know...

And to think, this is only the beginning. 

Onward

It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.

I always thought life would go up from here, that we could just keep climbing. But each mountain has a peak, and from there we go down. I was afraid for a little while what down would mean, as if it could undo the greatness of up. I have found that it is more the unwinding of up to go down. You can now see your rope, all its kinks and knots pulled so tight they are woven into fate for good. These are the lessons we take to the next leg of the journey, for we can never go up enough. I am settled though in this time to see that I am not yet ready to climb again. We are pushing forward in a different way, growing stronger every day. Simply waiting to stumble upon a challenge to stump us. I want to be confused and frustrated. I want to fall and fail and not understand again.

Onward has become an important place for me to travel to, these last few months have been magic. I shall not explain the place I was, but it was stagnant filled with unwanted vibes of the negative kind. With some removing of people, I was able to look up again to see what was ahead. Except I couldn't...I saw more though, I still see more. I see now. I see the happy every day. I see what I've come from and how far away it is. I see the clouds crashing through the sky like great waves that never hit shore.  I see the sunlight peak through the leaves when we get lost on purpose in the woods, I could hike forever if life would let me. I can enjoy these things, these things of now. I talk a lot about the future, which is hogwash really. There is only now, only this moment and what we do with it. Every now I will step forward and one of those steps will lead up again. Perhaps I will be too busy with life and love to see it happening, but when failure hits I'll be ready to get back up.

And up, and up we shall go embracing the struggle as an old friend, ready to duel once again. 

Sweet Certainties

There is a certain sweetness in this world brought to life by a dog.

For all my troubles, Whim has always been my reason to smile. She is my happy, and she never fades. We go with the flow, this journey is far from perfect and we know it. The language we speak cannot be studied or taught, it has been built. Miss steps don’t happen because we have no routine to follow, we either understand or we do not. On occasion she cannot read me, and more often than not I say the wrong thing. Perhaps there have been moments when cues are lost in translation, but despite this barrier we persist.We push on, push back. We take it one step at a time, and go every step of the way. We roll with the punches, and hang on tight.

Things will not always go as planned; this can be terrible if we are willing to see it as such. I would never tell you that failure doesn’t bother me. I want nothing more than to converse on course with ease, but this does not mean I have to be upset. If we look we can see the beauty in failure, and the lessons behind miscommunication. Simply put, we do not aim for boxes in this journey. We only wish to learn.

There are two certain outcomes here at the EO for Whim and me, the first being that we will leave understanding more than before. The second is a look…that shared smile at the end of each run. The look I get every night when my girl comes in for snuggles. The look I see each morning I wake up to kisses. This look will persist. My happy will never fade this I am certain of. 

And all that you are is all that I need

One Day

This past weekend I was asked if S'more was my next world team dog. 

I've come to the conclusion that no, she is not.

If we are ahead of schedule- maybe -we will tackle novice next summer. Maybe one day we will do 26", just maybe. Right now she is 15" tall...so we are quite a ways from teaching her to jump. We will learn lots of things, and jumping is sure to be one. But first comes the important stuff, like not herding the shelties, and walking on leash, and mastering fetch. We are quickly being educated on why you do not jump on the little mean sheltie, turtle. (She bites). We will learn how to chase and then not to chase rabbits like Whimzy. Oh, learning to not launch full force at mom would be helpful. 

A face full of S'more is only good in theory.

I unfortunately did not buy a world team dog. All I have is a bombproof wannabe tri, who amazes me in every way. Which is exactly what I intended to buy. We don't know agility yet, and agility doesn't know us. We won't get acquainted for quite some time. The truth is I've never bought a world team dog, although I hear some people have. Or they say they have, personally I find it a bit hard to look that far ahead. I simply have a puppy, we will be young and grow together. No expectations, she isn't to further my career or a ticket. I would never imagine that this is what someone means when they ask - "Will she do 26?" or "Is she your next international dog?"

I am certain that these questions are not meant in a malicious way- but to me putting that pressure on a puppy is too much. Maybe some people can buy a world team dog, raise it a world team dog, and go be world team. But I already have the world- a whole new one. A creature I will become beyond obsessed with, a partner in crime. One day we will share a journey to faraway places with big dreams and a whole lot of heart driving us forward.  We will stumble, and I'll mess up when it really counts. It'll be funny, and a little disappointing too. But we will learn to run like blue fire. We will chase down the magic. But one day is not today for my S'more. Today we learned to stay, even when mom throws the toy.

She rocked it. 

S'more 3 Months- Video

There are No Mistakes

You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.

There are no mistakes. No take backsies, no redos, no "oopsies". What we encounter are choices, and sometimes we make bad choices. We flub up, it happens. What shouldn't happen is regret, whatever has happened has already happened. It's over- like I said there are no take backsies or redos. We either learn, or we live in the past...or even worst we live to repeat the past, again and again.

This would be a lesson I learned from my mother, even though I didn't always realize it I learned to think the way I think because of her. There are people who think change isn't necessary, they clearly did not encounter my mother's wisdom. They think that they are perfect just the way they are. Personally we would call that an inflated ego... but to each his own. I used to think these people could be helped, that maybe if you suggest change or even insist upon it that they could see how growing is the answer. I am still too young, too foolish perhaps to have realized this is a bad choice. Attempting to initiate change for someone else is an impossible task, and keeps you living in the past.  The only thing we encounter are choices- our own choices. We can watch old tapes and ponder the "what ifs" off the past, or we can move on to create an opportunity better than the last for ourselves. We can choose to change, to learn, to grow. Just because someone can change doesn't mean they will, and certainly not unless they have the willpower to do so.

We may not control all the circumstances, and we cannot control the outcome of someone else's results. But I know that I will always be in control of my own choices, that I can make bad ones and still learn something from it. I will not live in the past mourning over poor handling, a bad call, an "oopsie". Because there are no mistakes, and there is no point treating this life as if it is full of flaws. To those of us who see a future brighter than yesterday, those flaws are perhaps the key to understanding how to step forward even stronger than before. 

All it takes is a step towards something new- something to look forward to.